A letter

Its been almost a month ki, after your passing. The house feels so empty without u waking me up everyday asking me to help in by buying your favourite Tanglin Nasi Lemak and not forgetting to take your newspaper from the post box once ive done buying your breakfast. Helping you order daim from suraya, picking up your lunch from komo, kedey kamek, mi rebus.

My mutuals would know how important you are in my life. I will always mention you and wang wherever i go. They know how significant you are in my life. I really really thought i was going to be okay, but i guess i am still unable to process my emotions easily. I get vulnerable too sometimes, though people around me see me as the strong one but deep down, im far from the word itself. 

Having you, atuk and pakyang leaving really made me feel like I lost a part of me. Honestly, i was still unable to grieve properly since the day pakyang left as i was so busy with this semester that i had no time to process it. I just swallowed it and distract myself. The three of u mean most to me.

Ki, i will always cheerish our moments together. I know you will not like me to be sad all the time. Im trying my best ki, for you, for wang and for mama. I know you’re in a better place because you are in Allah’s care now. Thank you ki for letting me use your car during exam week, for sending me to my asrama back in maahad and also in mrsm. Thank you for giving me sudden pocket monies, taking me to places i never imagine i would step foot. For picking me up every friday at MRT when i finished my classes. Datang shah alam just to take me out for lunch, for sending me everytime to my exam centre. Layan my karenah when we go to jaseema by buying me pencil cases everytime when i was smaller.

I miss you so much ki and it pains me it hurts me awfully. I will never forget all of your advices. We had a really long deep talk ki on the day I least expected was the last day i met you and im so grateful for that. Not a day goes by without me missing you ki. 

Pakyang and atuk, thank you for supporting me, for believing that i can. I was really helpless during my CAT, and was at the edge of changing courses but both of u give me hope. I am always indebted for what both of you did and for that i will do my best in taking good care of wan, the children when they’re  older. I will miss both of your dad jokes, your serious faces when giving me advices. Our holiday trips together, every moments i had with the both of you will be missed awfully.

The three of you, if you’re reading this, I will do my very best to finish what I started and will always, always keep all of you in my dua’s. 

Love, Anis

p/s : if all of you could spare me a moment to sedekah Al fatihah for these heroes of mine. I would be humbly thankful. 

Value of life

As the clock struck 12 , i am entering the life you call adulthood. It’s heart warming getting wishes from your family, friends, teachers, it feels good you know, to be remembered. It was  really a memorable moment to have your birthday celebrated during MCO, (god please part us away from this disease). Even so, at this point of life, I no longer ponder on things I am unable to change,

I’ve come to accept that things won’t go the way you wanted in the end. However, the change is good i must say, the change shapes you, 

The value of life, has it different for each living thing its like an epitome of the definition of happiness. One can value its life only when they lost, one also can value its life when goals are achieved, regardless of whatever the definition is. Everything counts, be it the worse or the best, it counts because that is how life is, 

Only when u realise how far you’ve come, the things you’ve been through. You will value every single thing you’ve done in the process. You will realise how strong you were eventhough there were such vulnerable times. The value of life. The ability having time spend with the ones u love seems very surreal when things back then were hard, but now grab every chance, make moments because life has its way to turn things upside down. Appreciate.

For some, there may be fleeting moments which are unwelcoming at times you are at your darkest, when your thoughts seems to betray you and makes you wander a bit too far. You felt very vulnerable, and the voices bothers you that makes you think you didn’t deserve to live. And maybe you feel like nothing could mend the numbness. Swallow this, you are a fighter, to be able to reach this far proves you deserve all the goodness in this world, never give up on yourself. As how much you are defeated in a game, you didn’t give up, you respawn, you keep fighting and i like to quote this book i read

“ we all get exhausted, we all get discourage, and we are allowed to get through or work on those feelings. Just because you are beaten down and sick of the life u are living, it doesn’t mean you are not making a change. You are exhausted for all the right reasons and its only an indication to go on, it is growth, be it small or big, you are growing”

Lastly, my thoughts and prayers always goes to the front-liners who have been helping those affected, leaving the people they love to perform their responsibilities. Thank you for your sacrifices. You are our hero.

2020

Wow, looks like my blog is really dusty. Ive been busy with my life honestly and didn’t manage to update anything on my blog (obviously). As you guys are aware, im currently taking ACCA in a private uni. The journey...i tell you is not that easy. But thats what life is right? If things goes the way you wanted that’s not life as the saying says “Nothing worth having comes easy”. I somehow managed to accept that I actually do have passion in accounting. But, the truth hit me when i was at Stage 2? I guess.

So last semester I took Business Law and Financial reporting, my results came out the same day I lost my grandpa. At that time, I honestly didn’t think much about my results because I was still grieving. I lost the one I love most. He was a strong fighter and will always be. Its just sad because Im unable to satisfy his wish to see me go abroad. But, i never regret my choice of not going to Ipoh with my friends because throughout his days (before he left), i was with him. Throughout the surgery and until the day I never get to see him again. I will always miss him. Alfatihah

And so i failed my FR paper by a 49. The passing rate is 50. yeap just one mark to pass. Thus, i decided to retake the paper and alhamdulillah i manage to secure a pass 🥺 Despite all the hardships 2019 had gave me, i managed. And I hope that who I am today will be more stronger to face all the upcoming obstacles in life. 

You see its really draining because it takes a lot of energy to pull yourself back up after failing... and by failing i say twice. I may not be able to graduate this year like my other friends but I believe everyone has its own timing, all we need to do is to have faith and courage. Its okay to not always be positive, you need to feel those emotions and you are allowed to feel however the way you want it to be. And when you had enough, thats where the light enters. You hold it and chin back up. Till then x